The Mind and its Wonders

My heart can't sleep tonight. Its 1am my time, and a few unexpected turns have come up that I wasn't expecting with my time here in Holland.

Let me preface by saying I knew (head knowledge) what I was going to encounter while I was here - I think part of me thought because this trip was during the summer "slot" where a Nav "mission" trip was supposed to go, that this would be a trip of me serving and helping the Dutch Navs. I am now realizing, as I discard that idea completely and let go of the notion that this is your typical mission trip, that this trip was designed by God (way in advance I'm sure before it began to be setup) to stretch my mind and heart. I am done trying to figure out what I'm doing here and what the purpose is - and I am ready to simply start seeing with my eyes and heart what is going on here.

I have been educated more than I thought I would on this culture already...and I cannot express the pain my heart feels right now. I have heard a lot about WWII and had no idea - no idea - the impact of the history I read in books so long ago in a plastic chair amongst other rowdy distracting American students. I didn't know what happened. And my heart breaks right now - the tears cannot stop but come out - because I am feeling what I feel, is a loss of freedom...

In America (US) I realize now that we are safe physically. We have freedom of protection (obviously not everyone, but as a mass) - we are surrounded by a massive ocean of physical protection. Here in the Netherlands they are merely hours away from the next country. Germany, for instance, you could reach the border in 2 hours - Fort Collins is merely 2 hours and 45 minutes from Colorado Springs. I cannot, CANNOT imagine having Fort Collins have a different language than we have in the Springs. A different government, maybe even a different currency. I can't imagine having such lack of protection from another power that might bust in at any moment, killing kids and moms and dads - anyone - because of their desire for power. What does that even mean? Why power?? I don't understand.

I sat in a discussion the other day repeatedly asking, "But why??" Why did the Germans do that do the Jews? I don't understand. I still don't. And it is so close to these people's history. It happened just over 50+some years ago. A lot of these people's grandparents were in the war. A Dutch Nav-staff girl here I talked to said she wouldn't watch any war movies anymore because she knew a lot of people who were in the war and it was too disturbing of a topic for her. I didn't understand that. And after watching this movie (which we did tonight) paired with all the history I have been learning about...I am wrecked! I layed down to sleep but couldn't shut my eyes. This movie showed the war from the Dutch people's perspective. After Germany bombed Rotterdam to pieces (literally, 2 buildings, maybe 3, are left there - I just got back from a trip to Rotterdam), Holland surrendered to Germany because they threatened to ruin the other provinces. We walked that city and all the buildings were rebuilt after the war - everything was a new architecture compared to old Holland. It was sad to think those streets were bombed such a short time ago. I read about war on the internet headlines or in a textbook, but never have I set foot on ground where it took place. Realizing the closeness of proximity of all these European countries makes me feel unsafe (or rather makes me think I would have felt a constant state of fear if I lived anytime near that whole part of history...before or after...)

All this to say, my eyes are opening (although slowly and slightly I'm sure) to realize why these people, Eastern Europeans, are moving beyond the Modern era and into the Post-Modern era. They are children and grandchildren from generations where there has been war, captivity, power struggles, fear, racism, bloodshed, etc. No wonder they are moving in their thoughts - far away from what was - because they feel that the way things were didn't work! They are wanting to change things. It is a time where they are searching for something new - and Christianity is being redefined all over again. What an exciting time period in life - a new stage of history is being made.

It is so interesting to hear their thoughts on Americans - how we are not environmentally conscious like they are (its so true, even down to the luxury taxes they put on owning vehicles because of the damage they do to the environment), how we work ourselves to death and don't give our employees more than 1 week of vacation unless you've been with a company for lengths of time (they automatically by law get 5 weeks paid - if its a career-like job, they can only work 36 hours a week...) and lots and lots of other differences. Its weird being here because I feel I can view Americans through their eyes and it makes this whole "post-modern" thought process make sense. I also feel in America (specifically Christian-America) that post-modern has a ton of negative connotations. From their mouths and from living in these thoughts, they explain it in a way that I see what they're saying, and I DO see how our campuses and students are heading in this direction (if not are already there). I think that the term post-modern just gives a definition to what it is that is happening already. Needless to say I am not as fearful by these words like I was when coming over here.

I have seen and heard in the people here the conviction of the Spirit, in the same way I have conviction - but I see a sense of freedom to know the Spirit, to know who Jesus truly IS, to experience God, etc. It is a breath of fresh air that I haven't seen or felt in a while by a "mass" group of people. Its riveting to think about what they talk about. It breaks molds and totally TOTALLY rubs me the wrong way (but a good way) and it is really making me think about how to interact with the girls I meet with next year. If I am only on staff one more year (who knows...Lord does!) but if its one more year, what could I do with these girls to meet them where they're at? Not just a puzzle-piece or track that I can take them on - but to meet them where their need is. What would be "good news" to them? Christ is Good News - what would communicate that to them? So many thoughts right now.

I write all of this because I would like to feel better in my heart, first, and that is happening. Maybe I'll be able to sleep now that I've transferred it from inside to the computer - if only it were that easy - and secondly I wanted to write all this because as I continue to process through this with you, and discuss what my time is like here, just know that I am in as much suspense as you are. I have no idea why God brought me here! But already I see some things happening in my head that haven't happened before - and for that I'm grateful. I used to ask so many questions at the beginning of college, when I was wanting to know everything about everything...and then I grew quiet...and I feel like this is striking a beast within me to keep searching and not to be satisfied with what I know. I'm glad. I have missed feeling this muscle stretched - I welcome my old dear friend with open arms.

This may or may not make sense and it is late now and I'm heading to bed. Do with all this what you will - I don't even know what to do with it! But I'll keep taking you on this journey with me.